The Nipples of Our Nation's Future

I am fascinated by the news, and by the rich education that our children are getting in this day and age. I would like to bring you attention to the tragic story of Kyle Dubois.

Don't worry - I also have video.

After you've read the story, we'll talk. That's OK- I'll wait.


 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . alright - everyone on board? Lets begin.

OK - slow down for a second, Scooter. You need to try and explain this to Mama so I can understand. So, the epicenter of this story is that you and two of your friends decided that it would be a swell idea to apply an electrical charge to you nipples during a demonstration in your electrical trades class.

Humor me - in this illustrious 'electrical trade class', one is led to believe that you might have at least a mild grasp of the concept that the human body and an electric charge are for the most part not 'BFFs'. But I think I am straying from the subject at hand.

I would like to know when this idea hit you. Or was it a collaborative effort between the three of you? At what point in the normal American school day did it strike you that the best way to get as much as you could out of this class was to involve your nipples and an electrical charge? Are you more of a 'hands on' learner?


And, I bet you were stunned (no pun intended) that when your pal Skippy plugged in the cord, you hit the floor like an anvil. That was a 'shocker', huh? (OK, I meant that pun)

So when they rushed you to the hospital all 'ER' like, who was the one to call your mother? I would have loved to have made that phone call.

"Is this Mrs. Dubois?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"This is County General Hospital - we have your son here."

"Oh, my GOD - what happened? Is he OK?"

"Ma'am, I really can't tell you at this point, but I will say that it involved his nipples."

OK - so you suffered a heart attack and apparent brain damage. I find it hard to believe that you suffered  a noticeable change in your brain status than before Skippy and The Beav decided to do a little' poor man's' violet wand action on you.

Now, we get to the good part. The lawsuit.

Which one of your parents looked at your crispy nipples and said, "DAMN IT, son! This is your TEACHER'S FAULT! If your teacher had explicitly told you that there are nipples and there are electrical clamps and nary the two shall meet, we wouldn't be in this pickle! Call the lawyers! We'll have his job, we will !" And I'm sure you nodded in agreement from your hospital bed, though that could be just a muscle twitch, seeing as you suffered that brain damage as a result of your teacher's neglect.

I think we have established what an idiot you are, that your parents are complete morons, that that our justice system is fucked to even allow you to bring that crap lawsuit into a courthouse.

But that's not what frosts my fanny.

What puts the bee in my bonnet is the fact that you are 18 years old. We - in the eyes of the law - consider you an adult. This means we give you the privilege to drive a car, to have a credit card, to serve in the armed forces protecting our citizens and Constitution with automatic weapons, to buy a shotgun, and even more disturbing - to vote for our leaders. Yet despite all this, somehow you are not responsible enough to know that plugging yourself into an electrical outlet will result in bad things happening, and therefore, we need to prosecute your teacher . . . but let me show you the way to the ballot box, Mr. Dubois.

Yep - ladies and gentleman  - Kyle 'Sparky Nips' Dubois can pick up his ballot this fall as we vote for who to send to Washington to represent our 'best interests'. Though I believe we might have the upper hand - after Kyle decides to put his pecker in the microwave, he might not be able to walk anymore . . .
 
But there is always the absentee ballot.

So America - take an interest in your child's education. We all can't afford swankaroo private schools; that's just the way it is. But that doesn't mean you have to support their idiocy or mediocrity just because you have two working parents in the household.

If you don't, your cop-out will be our demise; The Snookies and the 'Nip Clip' Dubois of the world are going to be the ones in charge of running the country, and when they are, they'll slap your old ass in 'The Home' where they can take your social security and spend it on spray tans and bad tattoos. And you'll deserve it.